If I CouldBook Two
by siobhan32snitch
Summary: Throughout her life, Lily Evans has never gotten to do things the easy way. Read about the tradegy that comes to her and the final choice she makes for what she believes.


Chapter One-Truth Be Told

"You're what?"

"I'm pregnant." I looked up into Remus's shocked face and smiled weakly. "That's why I've been feeling so horrible. I'm pregnant."

Remus turned away from me and sat on a large rock behind him. "Oh my God. You're... We're... I'm going to be a father." He looked up from the ground and looked into my eyes. "We're going to have a baby together. Ha." He stared directly into my eyes, not looking away. I could feel his piercing stare, and it scared me even more then I already was.

I couldn't bare it. It was too much. I couldn't bare what my parents would say if this was how my boyfriend reacted.

I fell onto my knees, crying. I couldn't hold it in. I couldn't' bare it. It was too much. I was only 15, and now that I was in the real world, I didn't want to be here. I thought that Remus would be kind, caring, understanding. He would hold me and tell me that everything would be alright even though he didn't know how.

"Oh, Lily," Remus left his spot on the rock and ran over to me. "I didn't mean to hurt you. It's just," I felt him wrap his arms around me and bring me to his chest, at a lost for words. I looked up into his face, and saw him shacking his head, his face shining with wet tears. "I can't help but think about how this is my fault. I feel like this is my responsibility failing to be there. And that now you have to pay. Oh Lily."

I don't know how long we were there, crying both happy and sad tears, reflecting on what this meant. Now, we were going to have someone else that our world revolves around. Someone that we would need to feed, to hold, to protect. Remus would be all alone trying to fend for our baby. And with his condition... No one would want to hire him with... No, he'ld told me about how the employers would shut him out for what he was. For being a werewolf.

But what scared me most was that, if I went through with having the baby, I would have to throw away all of my hard work, all of my dedication...

And they would take my wand.

Chapter Two-What a Couple

Two weeks later, we'd only told Swan, Swaney, and Christine. Now, Christine was Remus's little sister, She was one year younger, and different in about ten million ways. Remus, who had reddish-brown hair, was very tall and pale. Christine was shorter then most people, only coming up to my nose. She was rather tanned, and her hair was constantly changing. Although her hair was naturally black, it was always changing between bright red to blonde and back every other week. The only thing that always stays the same is her beautiful blue eyes. They were deep blue, and had the appearance of glass.

Remus tried to tell Sirius and James about the pregnancy, but James threw a fit.

"WHAT? OH HOW WONDERFUL! THE PERFECT COUPLE: A WEREWOLF AND A HOGWARTS DROP OUT!"

"James, stop this right now! You're acting like a big baby!" Remus yelled in a low voice so that only James and Sirius would hear.

I head the yelling in my dormitory, talking to Sawn and Swaney. I looked at them, got up, and ran toward their dormitory. Even though now Sirius had gotten over the fact that Remus was dating me (everyone ignored the beating he gave Remus), James was still furious. Everyone knew that he liked me, and I hated him for it.

When I got to their dormitories, I was shocked. Remus was one of James's best friends. How could James let himself be taken over by his own feelings and not see his friend? Remus was always so kind to him. He always made sure that you knew that James, deep down inside, very, very deep down inside, was a good person. And James couldn't show that Remus was his friend.

I couldn't take it. James was always getting on my nerve. I ran out of the room, down into the common room. I didn't know where I was going, but I was going to find out. Then, I felt someone's hand grab my arm. I turned around and saw Remus.

"Don't. Just, don't. I know what I'm doing."

"Lily, come here." I felt Remus pull me into a hug.

"No, Remus, don't stand up for James, he's such an a*****e."

"No, Lily, he's not."

"Don't stand up for him. When was he ever nice to you?"

"Never, I guess, but that's not the point. He's still my friend."

I looked up into his face and began sobbing harder.

"It's just that, I know he's right. What he said. It's true. It's true." I put my head on Remus's shoulder. I felt him tighten his grip around me, telling me that everything will be alright.

Then, I felt a little ticklish feeling from under my tummy. The baby was kicking.

Chapter Three-Drive Through the Park

After James got over the pregnancy, his older step-brother, John, drove us through the beautiful country side of Scotland. While we were driving, Remus and I changed seats so that I would be on the right side of the road and see all of the large houses. I'd always dream of living in a large, white house with a beautiful garden and graceful stairs leading up to it. We came to an intersection, and John paused the car. When he started driving again, I looked toward Remus and smiled. He slid over toward me, kiss me, and slid away to look at me completely. He put his hand on my just now showing pregnant belly, and smiled.

All of a sudden, I heard a crashing sound, and I blacked out.

Chapter Four-Operation and Concussions

When I opened my eyes, I saw a big white ceiling. I could feel that I was lying on my back. I looked to my left, and saw an empty chair and another white wall. When I turned to my right, I saw Remus sleeping in the same chair on my left. Next to him was another empty chair. I looked at my arms, and saw an IV in my right arm.

I heard Remus start to stir, and he opened his eyes a little.

All of a sudden, a healer came in and started reading what it said on her clip board. She removed the IV from my arm and said that the operation would be on Tuesday. But, today should be Tuesday. That would mean that...

"Remus?" I asked, looking from the ceiling to him. "What... What happened?"

Remus sat up straight up straight, moved to the edge of the chair, and looked up into my face. I could see that he was trying to hold back tears.

"Remus? What happened?"

"Oh, Lily!" Remus buried his face in my arm, crying. "It was horrible! This car crashed into us where you were sitting! I feel like its my fault! I traded seats with you. And... And..."

I sat up straight all of a sudden at Remus's lost for words. "The baby?" I asked quietly, looking into his eyes.

He starred at me, then looked away.

Chapter Five-Guilty Relief

Later the next day, James and Sirius came in to visit. We hadn't told Sirius about the pregnancy, so he was trying to get over that before the miscarriage. James, I don't know whether or not he really meant it, but he looked really concerned about me.

At the funeral, I couldn't hold back the tears. I cried every time someone mentioned the baby, or any time I looked at the little coffin. It turned out that I had been pregnant with a little boy. We named him Caillte, Gaelic for 'Lost.'

That day, something seemed wrong. Even though Remus was holding me the whole time, I felt lost, alone. It didn't matter the he was holding me; I couldn't feel him. It was like... No, I couldn't think it... But it was so true... It was like... Like I didn't feel for him anymore. Like I didn't love him anymore. Like the two and a half years we'ld spent together... Like that whole time it was only lust...

Dumbledore let me miss classes for an extra week. Remus went back two days after we got back. The whole time, he seemed very detached.

When I went back to class, everybody knew that someone I loved had died, but not that it was my own child. They kept telling me that they were sorry and that they knew how I felt. They didn't know, though. They didn't know what it was like to lose your own baby. They didn't.

But, yet, somehow, I felt relieved that I wasn't going to have a baby. It was like relief, but guilty relief.

Chapter Six-Heart Aches and Bad Nights

"Lily?" I stared at the wall infront of me. "Lily?" I felt Remus moving around behind me in bed. "Lily?" Remus asked for a third time, putting an arm around me.

"What?" I asked, turning my head to look at him.

"Are you OK? You seem very apart."

I turned back to face the wall. I couldn't talk.

I heard Remus sigh loudly and turn back onto his back.

"Remus?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you still love me?"

"What?"

"Do you still love me?"

"Of course I love you, Lily. Why wouldn't I?"

I didn't say anything.

"Lily?"

"My heart hurts now, Remus, and I know that it should because we lost the baby but I just can't take it anymore, and..." I started to run out of air, and Remus, like always, reacted quickly.

He turned me onto my back and found my inhaler in the bedside table. When my medicine didn't show any signs of working, he gave me mouth-to-mouth. I would have enjoyed this, and wouldn't show any signs of when I was fine because I wanted him to keep kissing me, but I didn't. My heart hurt to much. I loved him, but this wasn't what I wanted.

I wrapped my arms around his neck, hoping that I would still feel something, but I didn't. I didn't love Remus anymore. I didn't.

Chapter Seven-From the Flames

The next morning, I got up early, pulled on my robe, and went into our bathroom. I pulled my red, waist-long hair back into a bun, and got a cup of hot coco from my hot-water machine that I keep in my room. I walked down the hallway that connected to the stairs, and walked down them too. I went into the common room and sat infront of the fireplace.

I slowly sipped on my coco, starring into the fire, thinking about everything that had happened. I thought about how in four short months, I had been prepared to give it all up for one person, and then I lost them. In one second, my life was changed. I thought about how when I was younger, my neighbors lost their baby son, and now I knew how they felt. I had lost my baby, and I felt like such an awful mother because I hadn't succeeded in saving my child.

Just then, I heard someone behind me.

Chapter Eight-There Are No "Breaking-Up" Cards

"James?"

"Oh, hey Lily, my wonderful little flower." I starred, disgusted at James. He yakked on and on. I just ignored him, trying to get his horrible voice out of my head,

Finally, Remus came downstairs and helped me get out the horrible presence of James.

Later Saturday afternoon, Remus took me to this little ice-cream parlor on the outskirts of Hogshmeade. Remus seemed rather quite though, starring at my hand as I ate my ice-cream. He starred at the little band on my finger that he had given me. It was a small, old, gold ring that had the initials R J L carved into it. He had given it to me on the anniversary of our one year being together.

As we sat there, it felt like we were a thousand miles apart. Finally, I couldn't stand it anymore. I had to say something, but as I started, Remus started to say something too.

"Remus-"

"Lily, I-"

I looked down at my ice-cream and smiled. "You go first, Remus."

He sighed and stared at his ice-cream for a second. "Lily, there's no other way for me to say this, but I also know that I should just tell you things straight out, so here goes everything." Remus looked up into my face. "Lily, I don't know what happened, but, I just don't feel the same as before. I mean, something's different. Something's gone."

I looked up into his face, and saw his eyes wet.

"Oh, Remus." I couldn't hold back my tears anymore, and I started to cry over my ice-cream.

"Lily, don't cry. You know how much I hate to see you hurt, specially if it's because of me." Remus wrapped his arms around me and held me tight. "It's just that, I can't return your love anymore, and I don't think you deserve me. You deserve to have a tiara on your head." I heard Remus start sobbing, and I started to shake my head.

"No, Remus, don't say that. I love you, and I always will, it's just that its love for you like my brother, not my soul-mate." I pulled away and looked into his red eyes. I thought about how stupid we probably looked, but I didn't care.

"Then... Then this is good-bye, is it?" Remus looked down as he spoke, but when he was done, he looked straight into my eyes.

"No, not good-bye. It's just moving forward." I looked up into his face and smiled. We sat there in silence for who knows who long until I spoke up. "One more kiss?"

"What?" Remus asked floored.

"One more kiss? Like a good-bye kiss. Just to end the last two and a half years."

Remus smiled weakly. He moved closer to me, put his hand on my cheek, and said, "I thought you'ld never ask."

Even though we both knew that the love was gone, that the relationship was over, that we could never get back our son, we leaned in close. I could Remus's warm breathe on my face. I felt him wrap his arms around me and hold me for one last time. We kissed and kissed just as long as we had that first day on the train. And as I felt myself melting away once more in his arms, I knew the fairy tale was over. I still hadn't found my soul mate.

Chapter Nine-No, You Keep It

"Remus?" I asked as I entered the boys dormitories the next week. Remus looked up at the sound of his name, and when he saw it was me, walked over. He wrapped an arm around me and quietly asked if I was OK.

I looked up into his face and I couldn't help but start crying again. I'ld found that now I cried every time I looked up into his face. I didn't know why, but somehow it felt like I was losing apart of me.

Remus wrapped his other arm around me and held me tightly. He pulled me into his chest and rested his head onto of mine, softly stroking my hair and saying, "It's OK, Lily. It's OK. Everything's going to be OK."

Finally, I pulled away. I looked up into his face and put the book I'ld been holding into his hands. When he looked down at the book, I still watched him, afraid of his reaction.

"Lily, is this" (he held up the book) "what I think it is?" He looked at the book again, waiting for an answer.

The book was covered in red leather and the front of it had gold designs carved into it. On the binding it said, "Leabhar linn Priobháid", or Book of Privacy.

"Yes, it is," I said quietly. Remus looked back up into my face and held out the book for me to take.

"I can't keep it. It's your diary."

"No, you keep it. I can't, Remus, I can't. It hurts too much." I felt the tears coming again as I spoke, and, once again, Remus held me.

When I finally started to walk away, I pulled a little red ribbon from my neck that had a gold key on it.

"A long time a go, you gave me your heart. Now I give it back to you to give to someone else."

Before Remus could answer, I walked down the stairs to the common room. When I got the bottom of the stairs, I quickly walked to the portrait hole, hoping to get there before Remus realized what had happened.

About half way across the room, he yelled over the banister "Lily!" I ran out of the common room, down the stairs, out of the castle, and down towards the lake. I sat down on the grass, leaning against the big oak tree. I remembered all of the times I'ld sat out here with Remus. I pulled my knees to my chest and kept on crying.

I knew I was being a cry baby. I knew my parents would be ashamed. But I didn't care. I'ld lost Remus, the love of my life. I'ld lost my boyfriend of two and a half years. What scared me the most was that I was afraid that I'ld lost my best friend in the process too.

Chapter Ten-If I Could

I must have fallen asleep outside because the next thing I knew, someone was carrying me inside. I was shocked when I looked up and saw who it was.

"Sirius?" I asked quietly so that only he heard me, afraid that there were other teachers around. He looked down at me, smiled, and pulled me closer to him. I closed my eyes, smiling. I felt safe.

When we got to the common room, he put me down on the couch. I heard him walk upstairs for a minute, then come back down. He wrapped a blanket around me, and I curled up into a little ball. He sat down on the couch and I put my head on his leg. I closed my eyes and fell asleep.

The next morning, Sirius wasn't up when I woke up, but Remus was. He was sitting in the big chair at the end of the couch. He was reading my diary.

I sleepily got up and sat down next to Remus, the blanket still wrapped around me. He didn't notice me until I was just infront of him. He smiled at me, and showed me he was still on the first page of the diary. I read the poem I'ld written there aloud:

If I could, I'ld do anything.

If I could, I'ld be anything.

If I could, I'ld tell you how I feel.

But if I could, this dream wouldn't be real.

I looked up into Remus's face and smiled. He wrapped his arm around me, kissed my head, turned the page, and started reading out loud.

"Dear Diary, I don't know what to say. Today was AMAZING!!! Remus called me into a compartment, and before I knew what was happening, we were kissing."

He read on and on. I slowly started to fall asleep again, getting over the shock and pain of losing my boyfriend. I hadn't really lost him.

And I never would.


End file.
